There was a milling, cackling gathering of press outside the
Trump White House. They exhibited that
combination of certainty and confusion so often observed in Trump-era punditry.
As a small camera-top spot came on, one reporter checked his hair and his blush in a hand mirror awaiting the signal from the camera operator that he was going live. He fixed his, “concerned but no air disaster” smile and watched the count down. Annnnnd. 4, 3, 2, fingerpoint, redlight blinks and rolling.
“Yes,” he began, “we are still here, entering day four of the Truth Watch at the White House. As my viewers are aware, it has been more than 72 hours since a single truth has emerged from the Trump White House, and, to be blunt, we have been given no signs as to when the next factoid may emerge. We will keep you updated as events develop. Now, while there has been no evident truth, there have been statements from the White House, Republican Congressional leaders, and major Trump supporting public figures nationwide. As a nation, and a world, waits breathlessly on edge for any indication of veracity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke to a select few reporters today. Here is a tape of his remarks.”
Spicer fills the screen, “As you know, for some reason, Fake News sources are trying to make a story from the Trump administration’s extremely careful use of truth. The president has consulted with experts on the control of both truth, and half truth—experts from the US and Russia. Those authorities, and experts from Fox, Brietbart, and Drudge all agree with this president’s careful handling of fact and knowledge. We are,” continues Spicer, “the true conservatives. Therefore we know the value of truth. The President understands that truth is one of our most valuable, and cherished, commodities. And, being the conservative leader that he is, he has committed not to waste one small bit of it. When it comes to the national treasure of truth, we shall not squander it, and shall be very sparing of its use. You may all go home now, the President is headed for a 7-day weekend in Florida.---but a working weekend, believe me.”
The shot cuts back to the reporter doing the stand up. “Jenny, you may not have heard this back in the studio, but reports have been circulating among the journalists here that when and if a new truth is chosen by the Trump administration, white smoke will issue from the peak of the White House roof, signaling to the faithful that they have a new truth. (reporter chuckles) Of course, we know this administration would never use black smoke. I add, this IS unconfirmed, but we have it from some sources who are very high. I mean, from some high sources.
“Also making a statement today was Senator Mitch McConnel. Let’s hear what the Senator said.”
McConnel’s face comes on screen. “Republicans,” he began, “are quite bewildered by this liberal concern from the Democrats, and their enablers in the lamestream media, for verifiability. Their insistence that there is somehow factual evidence, or evidence of facts, is a slap in the face to the traditions we Republicans uphold. They insist on something they call “truth,” as if we would let it appear on the floor of the legislature. We don’t need it. We won’t use it if it is forced upon the American people, and, as you know, we have held, in our time, months and months of investigatory hearings which have neither used nor required one single iota of fact. If the president wants you to have a truth, he will tell you what it is.” As a reporter from BET raised a hand, the senator quickly added, “Of, course, no, that rule does not apply to ALL presidents.”
As a small camera-top spot came on, one reporter checked his hair and his blush in a hand mirror awaiting the signal from the camera operator that he was going live. He fixed his, “concerned but no air disaster” smile and watched the count down. Annnnnd. 4, 3, 2, fingerpoint, redlight blinks and rolling.
“Yes,” he began, “we are still here, entering day four of the Truth Watch at the White House. As my viewers are aware, it has been more than 72 hours since a single truth has emerged from the Trump White House, and, to be blunt, we have been given no signs as to when the next factoid may emerge. We will keep you updated as events develop. Now, while there has been no evident truth, there have been statements from the White House, Republican Congressional leaders, and major Trump supporting public figures nationwide. As a nation, and a world, waits breathlessly on edge for any indication of veracity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer spoke to a select few reporters today. Here is a tape of his remarks.”
Spicer fills the screen, “As you know, for some reason, Fake News sources are trying to make a story from the Trump administration’s extremely careful use of truth. The president has consulted with experts on the control of both truth, and half truth—experts from the US and Russia. Those authorities, and experts from Fox, Brietbart, and Drudge all agree with this president’s careful handling of fact and knowledge. We are,” continues Spicer, “the true conservatives. Therefore we know the value of truth. The President understands that truth is one of our most valuable, and cherished, commodities. And, being the conservative leader that he is, he has committed not to waste one small bit of it. When it comes to the national treasure of truth, we shall not squander it, and shall be very sparing of its use. You may all go home now, the President is headed for a 7-day weekend in Florida.---but a working weekend, believe me.”
The shot cuts back to the reporter doing the stand up. “Jenny, you may not have heard this back in the studio, but reports have been circulating among the journalists here that when and if a new truth is chosen by the Trump administration, white smoke will issue from the peak of the White House roof, signaling to the faithful that they have a new truth. (reporter chuckles) Of course, we know this administration would never use black smoke. I add, this IS unconfirmed, but we have it from some sources who are very high. I mean, from some high sources.
“Also making a statement today was Senator Mitch McConnel. Let’s hear what the Senator said.”
McConnel’s face comes on screen. “Republicans,” he began, “are quite bewildered by this liberal concern from the Democrats, and their enablers in the lamestream media, for verifiability. Their insistence that there is somehow factual evidence, or evidence of facts, is a slap in the face to the traditions we Republicans uphold. They insist on something they call “truth,” as if we would let it appear on the floor of the legislature. We don’t need it. We won’t use it if it is forced upon the American people, and, as you know, we have held, in our time, months and months of investigatory hearings which have neither used nor required one single iota of fact. If the president wants you to have a truth, he will tell you what it is.” As a reporter from BET raised a hand, the senator quickly added, “Of, course, no, that rule does not apply to ALL presidents.”
The screen cuts back to the reporter, who is obviously a bit
flustered, and getting some kind of update through his earpiece. “We are just hearing that Rev. Franklin
Graham is holding an emergency press conference at a segregated Christian
school in Knuckledrag, Alabama to address the Wait for Truth vigil here in
Washington. Let’s join that presser, now
in progress.”
The camera cuts to Graham, who is simultaneously speaking and demonstrating his mastery of the Evangelist Sneer Smile. “…..and that’s why I say, this so-called search for earthly truth is both a godless liberal distraction, and another atheist attempt to oppress and persecute every Christian in America. The ONLY truth, I say again, the ONLY truth is found in the Word of God as revealed, directly from his mouth, in the King James Version of the Holy Bible. To claim that there are any facts, of any kind, available outside of the 66 books of Inspired Holy Writ is an abomination, and an insult to the faith and certainty of True Christians. tm”
The camera cuts to Graham, who is simultaneously speaking and demonstrating his mastery of the Evangelist Sneer Smile. “…..and that’s why I say, this so-called search for earthly truth is both a godless liberal distraction, and another atheist attempt to oppress and persecute every Christian in America. The ONLY truth, I say again, the ONLY truth is found in the Word of God as revealed, directly from his mouth, in the King James Version of the Holy Bible. To claim that there are any facts, of any kind, available outside of the 66 books of Inspired Holy Writ is an abomination, and an insult to the faith and certainty of True Christians. tm”
Cut back to the reporter.
“As you can see, in the tradition of American journalism, we have
brought you both sides of the controversy—the Conservative Republican
Congressional viewpoint, and the Conservative Religious viewpoint. The entire spectrum of thought we cover.
“And that’s it from outside the White House, where we enter day four of, “A Nation Without Truth.” (Banner graphic with that title runs across the top of the screen and spins out into a shot of the White House.)
“And that’s it from outside the White House, where we enter day four of, “A Nation Without Truth.” (Banner graphic with that title runs across the top of the screen and spins out into a shot of the White House.)
